Axl Hits VH-1 TONIGHT

His first interview in 15 years, and he gives it to VH-1? Really? Oprah must be PISSED.

Check out his chest stroke in this teaser.

Dizzy Gets Busy

Rock-a-licious.

Dizzy Reed has left the homeless shelter to hit the keys this weekend at the Great Lakes Film Fest. In Erie, PA. Not to be confused with Eerie, IN.

Will Axl be in attendance?

Well, with films such as, Deception, Scurvy Dogs, and Fifteen Minutes..., one can only dream.

By the way, if you see a middle-aged yarnhead toting a Casio and Hookers n' Blow paraphernalia alongside of I-80, be sure to lend a brotha a ride.

*sighs* That's our Dizzy.

[photo by G. Chin, courtesy of: http://web.gunsnroses.com/images/news/070312_dizzy_inside.jpg]

[from: http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/blabbermouth.net/news.aspx?mode=Article&newsitemID=81471]

Didgeridoonas Wouldn't Have Exploded
An inside source to the Didgeridoonas' Australia can cooler company tells WA? that the products are made of "tough padded canvas" with a "neat leather strap," to keep beverages cool, refreshing, and intact.

The company, which has been losing money due to anti-beer and anti-leather advocates worldwide, plans to capitalize on the recent can-throwing debacle that occurred in Brisbane. GNR frontman and soon-to-be spokesperson for the NutriSystem-HairTrade merger, Axl Rose, was pelted with a can of Australian something - kanga piss, aboriginal blood, whatever - after arriving late to his show on Monday. Halfway through "Welcome to the Jungle," an irate fan threw his can of something onstage, which exploded and sprayed Axl's chest with hot, sticky... kanga piss, aboriginal blood, whatever.

Axl responded by asking a question, "Is that what you want? You want a battle. If you're going to act like that, then you know I don't have to be here," according to Contactmusic.

Um, buddy, I don't think they really want a battle, per se... I mean, kanga piss, though nasty, is no WMD. Nope. Something tells me they just want to listen to $150 worth of songs, which, given that your album costs about $10, means that they have a right to fifteen albums' worth.

Hmm... doing the math, that means... wait, when is Chinese Democracy coming?

Score zero for Axl.
Score the company's entire '05 budget for Didgeridoonas' Australia can cooler company.

Those dudes are marketing geniuses.

[Source: http://www.dailyindia.com/show/152188.php/Axl-Rose-sees-red-after-fan-throws-drink-at-him!
Photo courtesy of: http://www.ptarmiganclothing.com/images/products/69_s_can%20cooler.jpg]

Axl Gets Made
Axl Rose, the World's Biggest "Sopranos" fan, reportedly requested HBO send him copies of the last three episodes while touring overseas.

When WA? asked Axl his thoughts about the finale, he said, "Dude, 'course Tony got made. I fuckin' did it." Then he growled with laughter and handed us a bust of Tony Soprano fashioned from several pairs of bike shorts and a catcher's mask.

[Courtesy of: http://www.thegauntlet.com/article/172/9030/Guns-N-Roses.html
Photo courtesy of: http://www.gunsnroses.us/news/article.php3?id_article=45]

I Rotate Axl's Tire
Or rather, I wish I did.

On June 12, Rose kicked off his GNR world tour in Perth, Australia, where he donned a pair of knickers, tore off his shirt, and dedicated the night to former AC/DC frontman Bon Scott.

Then I spanked his belly.
Oh wait. That was just a dream.

Little known fact: in addition to being a huge fan of Scott's, one of Axl's favorite songs is "I'm Not in Love" by 10 CC's.

Take it for what it is.

[Courtesy of: http://93x.com/blog.asp?id=422364&SBID=4444]
[Photo courtesy of http://93x.com/blog.asp?id=422364&SBID=4444]

Leaks and Lawsuits
Okay, so I took some time off. So effin' sue me. I met a boy, moved to New York, and sold out a little more.

Let me see if I can give you a year's worth of Axl...

After a negative test for rabies, the guard was okay and so was Axl. He toured. He rocked, partied with the stars, and bought out Duane Reade's entire supply of hair grease. And now...

More Chinese Democracy has been leaked. The total is now 4 songs: "There Was a Time," "The Blues," "Chinese Democracy," and "I.R.S." Hmm...perhaps Axl didn't make out so hot on his '06 return? That's what workin on a 1099 to reclaim that $13 mill you lost makin CD will do to you.

[By the way, do NOT post audio clips in your comments, or I'll feed you to my mouse.]

And that's not all. I told you there was a lawsuit: Axl owes more money, apparently $107K to Starlift Logistics in NJ for touring services in '06. What's $13 mill + $107K?

A shitton of money.

[Source: http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/blabbermouth.net/news.aspx?mode=Article&newsitemID=72001
Source: http://gnrdaily.com/news_detail.asp?id=721
Source: http://www.tmz.com/2007/04/30/guns-n-roses-ued-in-jersey/
Photo courtesy of: http://www.vh1.com/shared/promoimages/bands/r/rose_axl/11092006_pressop/281x211.jpg]

Bite the Hand that Feeds
Axl was arrested earlier today in Stockholm, where he performed on Monday night.

The problem?

Axl bit a guard on the leg.

Reports say that Axl scuffled with a woman in his hotel lobby, and when police tried to intervene, he bit an officer on the leg.

According to police spokeswoman Towe Hagg, Axl was taken to a holding cell because, "He was deemed too intoxicated to be questioned right away."

Well, maybe if he'd had his trusty O2 tank at his disposal, he wouldn't have been so on edge. Maybe if Sophie Anderton hadn't run off with that punkass Buckethead only to mail him postcards from their holiday in Beirut, he wouldn't have felt so alone.

And maybe if that bitch Stephanie hadn't taken Dylan away from him - Dylan, in all his lovely innocence and beauty, Dylan! who played horsey with him, DYLAN! who had a small lovely set of angel wings around his heart - maybe then Axl wouldn't have been forced to drink Buttery Nipples by himself in the hotel bar, sobbing and seeking out the only one-legged prostitute slinking along the fences of Stockholm's International Hostel.

And maybe if that ho had been happy with what he paid, he wouldn't have had to scuffle. Then maybe he wouldn't have been driven to bite the popo.

But it's only a theory.

[Source: http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/Music/06/27/sweden.axl.ap/index.html]
[Photo courtesy of: http://hem.passagen.se/snoqalf/photos.html
*Note: This photo does not depict the Stockholm Incident]

The Meat Papers
[aka: a break from Axl]
You were forewarned: there would be some non-W.A.R. related stuff here.

*This exchange took place on July 29, 2005. First you will read my letter to ground beef. Following is Hamburger Meat's heartfelt response, penned by my pal Mel.

Dear Hamburger Meat,

I am sorry to have to do this, but I think we need some time apart. I know you've been there for me for so many years, but I really think it's time to move on. After seeing you last night in my toilet bowl, after a half an hour of nausea from your undercooked-ness and whatever parasites you may have been carrying, it occurred to me: we're moving in opposite directions. Last night, you were clearly moving up, while I wanted so badly for you to stay down. It finally took me popping a blood vessel in my eye from all the retching to realize that this is just not meant to be.

It's not you, it's me. We've had a lot of good times - you let me eat you in secret while maintaining a facade of vegetarianism so that I could keep my vegan friends happy. You were there on roadtrips, at concerts, at late night burger-fests. You even managed to stay in my life during that 2-day stint in Toronto with Jeff. We've been through everything together - patty melts, North End burgers, South End burgers, mushroom melts, and even steak tartar at that Ethiopian place (yes, you were hot naked). But let's not let the good times we shared cloud the reality that is the essence of us: we're moving farther and farther apart.

Don't cry, Hamburger - I'll always have a special place in my heart for you. Every time my dad throws a veggie burger on the grill, I'll always wonder, "What could have been?" But for now, Darling, I need some time to regroup, some time to reintroduce myself to my old friends - Mushroom, Soy, and Tofu. I'll still see you in passing and have fond thoughts, but I think this time apart will do us good.

Maybe there will be a chance for us, someday, but I don't want us to dwell on that. Find a nice girl - a Viking, perhaps, or a Southerner - someone who really appreciates you for who you are and doesn't want to change you. I wish I could say I'm the one for you, but I think it's obvious I'm not. We're too different: I like Radiohead and you like Kenny Chesney. I like Jon Stewart, you like John Wayne. I like ketchup, you love mustard. Let's let bygones be bygones. The world is our oyster, Hamburger; let's shuck the heck out of it.

With tenderness,

KB

Dear KB,

I think I take offense to that.

Kenny Chesney prefers fried chicken. John Wayne ate buffalo. A hamburger is more the tastes of your cute little indie rock boys that aren't as pretentious as the vegan ones. The cute little ones you really desire, the ones who (like you) have a disdain for Daddy's money and long to subsist on the greasy goodness found on the grills of such dive establishments as Bukowski's and Charlie's.

Come on, you really think I dig listening to Moby and Coldplay? I wouldn't want those overexposed pipsqueaks to enjoy the succulent tastes that I have to offer. What else was I going to do with my life besides offer the world a tasty snack in medium well form (mainly because anyone that doesnt eat their burgers medium well should have their heads examined. Cook me!). If I could find a cure for cancer, get Bush impeached, or prevent Britney Spears from having babies, of course I would. Unfortunately, for now I am but a mere cow and the only thing I look forward to is finding out how I am prepared in the after life.

And what sort of friend were you? I've provided sustenance for centuries and you know you enjoyed sinking your teeth into my carnivorous goodness. Ah, but your pretentious veggie friends could never see. You couldn't pretend to do this radical bit if you enjoyed a bacon & swiss burger now, could you? Its a lot like when Ryan first arrived in Newport and Marissa wouldn't give up her relationship with Luke because he was a more dignified suitor. Of course, he had to slum it with her in the end when all of his friends dissed him because his father was gay.

See? Vegans are much like those popular people in school that you just want to be like, but know you're not. They're also willing to diss you if something bad came out, because owning DVDs of The O.C. and the soundtrack to "On the Line" is pretty much the equivalent of having a gay parent in Newport. And if you're really as liberal as you claim you are, would you really want friends like that?

Oh, KB. Perhaps they made me too rare last night. Or maybe you drank too much (it's not as if you NEVER do that). Like everything in life, we cannot all be perfect. Getting cooked or marinated improperly is much like being a Scientologist. You can't tenderize meats with vitamins, can you?

NO! I always laugh at how you flip back and forth about what is right and wrong (or cool and uncool) oh so easily. Because I know that you always come crawling back to me.

However, enough is enough. I don't want your friendship if it's only on your terms. I hate the South and I've never been to Norway and I find your liberal, open-minded viewpoint appalling. Why would I want you to enjoy my meaty goodness when you spend your time denying my existence in your life or speaking about how you shouldn't enjoy me. It's a lot like Whitney Houston telling Barbara Walters that crack is whack, isnt it? She wanted the viewers to think that she was over that part of her life, when she really was speaking of her addiction as something she loved more than putting corn rows in Bobbi Kristina's hair.

Well this bag of ground beef wants to dance with someone that loves me. Someone like Benjamin McKenzie, that Texas-bred boy just loves piling me up with ketchup and onions and biting down. Something of which I can assure you, will never happen to the likes of your wannabe vegan butt. Jon Stewart adores me without cheese, but your brand of wannabe original politics ain't kosher. And we all know Richard Chamberlain prefers the meat.

You think Kevin Costner is going to serve you up some curried tofu if you snuck into his Montana ranch? I don't think so, Sweetheart.

I can understand if you had religious issues that barred you from enjoying my awesome angus-ness, but babe, you're Catholic and your parents wrapped you in proscuitto as a child. And that was no exotic doll they gave you to sleep with. That was 1.5 pounds of pure Italian sausage with a curly blonde wig on top.

So you may think you're being different. You may think youre being cool. I know you'll want to meet up again in the near future, but I'm not coming back. Getting stuck in your poser belly is the last thing this USDA prime cut wants to do.

Besides, you're technically still employed at Starbucks, capitalist America at its worst. That's nice you offer the choice of free trade coffee now, but really too little and too late. It's a wonderful thing to see all of your people at work in the same conglomerate (oooops, I meant "neighborhood coffee emporium"), you know fighting the system and believing in PETA. Ha! I almost spit out my cud and grass smoothie thinking of you hawking mocha lattes and Norah Jones CDs.

Yeah. And the other day I was in Jersey, sitting on the table in front of Bruce Springsteen and he wanted me to tell you that only meateaters (aka tramps like him) are born to run. So you can take your Gardenburger and hang out with Lauren Bush. I'm hanging with The Boss now.

Think of me the next time you complain how broke you are and then shop at Whole Foods. You know, in the frozen food aisle when you pick up some meatless sausage links. Because if being a carnivore was so nasty, vegans wouldnt be making things out of soy to simulate what I am naturally.

Which makes dining on soy burgers a rather phony act. It's not like I would expect anyone who worked at Starbucks to be phony now, would I?

Good riddance,
Hamburger Meat

[Photo courtesy of: http://www.diabete-abd.be/obesite_la_folie.htm]